Being married to a licensed clinical social worker (a.k.a. therapist) has its disadvantages and advantages. For example, disadvantages. Kristel always gets this look when she's really trying to communicate with me and trying to find out more information. When this happens she's in her therapist mode. I don't like to be therapized. An advantage is being married to someone who knows how to communicate and knows first hand from the couples she helps that communication is a must. Even though it is difficult for me, this is good.
In our relationship we don't beat around the bush. Kristel bluntly tells me what she wants from me. I don't always know how to do the things she asks so my reply is usually, "why don't you email me the information you want me to do or convey." For example, during the first and second trimesters of pregnancy, Kristel was very uncomfortable so she gave me a list of things to say the help her feel better. Things like, "I appreciate the sacrifice you are making to bring our child into the world."
About a month before our baby's due date, Kristel sent me an email titled "How To Support Your Wife During Labor." This was/is very good information to have as a man and thought I'd share it with the world. So if you are an expecting father or will be in the future keep the following how to guide in mind.
Early Labor
- Talking to me
- Asking me about how I'm doing
- Asking how you can help
- Discussing yor excitement for the moment you will hold our baby for the first time, seeing her, etc.
- Letting me know you are grateful for me and what I'm putting my body through etc.
- Bascially I want your attention (playing games, reading to me, etc.)
Mid Labor (when the pain intesifies but it's nowhere near delivery time):
- Same as above
- This is probably where I'll need help relaxing (combing your fingers through my hair, smiling at me, etc.)
- You may want to remind me to use my relaxtion techniques (if you notice I'm getting scared or anxious or panicky).
- Maybe be prepared with a way to play soothing music
- Let me know that I'm amazing and doing awesome
Late Labor (when the pain is killing me or when I'm high on drugs and don't feel anything):
- If the pain is killing me, probably I'll just want to cry, let me
- If I'm feeling good from the epidural, I'll probably just be bored and want to be entertained
- Still let me know that I'm amazing and doing awesome
During Delivery (when the doctor is there wanting me to push the baby out):
- Making sure I can hear/follow the instructions from the medical staff
- Keeping eye contact with me from time to time
- Encouraging me
- Being thrilled when the baby starts to come out and being apart of it (though you don't have to stand below with the doc), I would probably rather have you at my side
After Delivery (the baby is out):
- Kissing my cheek, forehead, etc.
- Instantly love our daughter
- After they take her from me, watch what they are doing and remember it (measuring her, cleaning her, etc.)
- Take pictures
- While they are sewing me up, follow the medical staff that has our baby, make sure they put the id tag on her before she leaves the room
- Pay attention to me and our baby
If complications arise:
- Be encouraging and supportive, try not to panic
- Talk to me about what's going on
This is all I know for now. This is a long list. Don't print it out and bring it to the hospital. Well, I guess you can, but I don't want you to look at it in front of me to see what you are supposed to be doing. That will hurt my feelings. [END OF HOW TO.]
As you can see, this is pretty straight forward. Just what my surface level, simple mind needs. It is so much easier knowing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing instead of trying to guess. That's why I hated the dating game so much. I love being married!
5 comments:
Alright, just so people don't think I'm a demanding, blunt wife, let me explain a couple of things.
First, for the most part, women need validation. They need someone by their side that loves them and isn't afraid to show it. It is not validating when you are talking to your husband about something important and he just looks at you or watches tv or shrugs. You want a response! Just not a "let me fix it" response. An "I hear you and what you are saying is important" response. But for the most part, men generally struggle with such a response. So, by being explicit with Evan and letting him know what I need from him, he is able to respond and neither of us is frustrated.
Also, women generally tend to expect their husbands to read their minds. Don't deny it. It's true. But guess what happens when we expect that? Hurt feelings, frustration, feeling unloved. I've seen in time and time again (and experienced it personally). So drop the expectation, explain what it is you want/need without thinking "if he loves me, he would know....." and you will feel much more secure in your marriage.
I think that list is awesome! And being direct with each other can be great. Christian and I try not to "play games" in our relationship and I think it has helped us.
You guys seem like you are awesome together. Even though I only know Kristel, I am impressed with both of you as a couple and as new parents.
Aleah is beautiful!
Yes, Kristel, more of us should just say what we want instead of ending up frustrated!
Once again, Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom! I think that dropping expectations and being straight forward with your spouse is sooo important! Sometimes it takes a lot of thought and possibly a paradigm shift on one part or the other or both, but in the end it is just good. Way to go guys!
What do you mean, you don't like being therapized!!! I love it. If I could have someone tell me why it is I do what I do all the time, the guess work out of life would be gone! I just wish my husband wanted to be therapized too!!!!!!!! Boy would marriage therapizing help. It's good tohave others opinions on what the issue is, sometimes it's not good to dispute one on one - no one is ever right or wrong without proof and validation!
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