I can't sleep. So I'm going to write about what's on my mind. And then maybe I can fall asleep.
Have you ever had something and then lost it? And after you lose it, you realize how much it meant to you?
Most people know I have a hearing loss. For those who don't, here's the bottom line-- I have genetic nerve deafness that progressively worsens as I age. It also worsens from different life events, like pregnancy and childbirth. I've worn hearing aids since I was 16. Though I've had many moments of frustration, I've always felt like I've been able to do everything I have wanted to do with my life. Until now.
My world is silencing. I can't tell you how many times a day I ask "what?" I also can't tell you how many times a day I pretend to hear when really I have no idea what was said. Things I've heard before are now things I used to hear. What makes me saddest, though, is people. I love people. And more and more they are joining my list of "things I can't hear." Especially men. So I now am very limited to who I talk with and who I work with. I avoid conversations most places I go now.
A few years ago, I was in Nauvoo and heard something that changed my life forever. While touring replicas of the Saints homes, a senior missionary said "The saints loved their homes and it was very difficult to walk away from them when they were called to head west. But though they loved their homes, they loved their God more." Shortly after that visit, I had a significant drop of hearing and I had a big talk with God. I told him that since my hearing would be taken regardless of how I felt about it, I had decided to voluntarily sacrifice it. Because even though I loved what hearing I had, I loved Him more and if He felt I needed to lose more, so be it.
I've had multiple talks with God about this. And even though I occasionally get sad, I'm so grateful that I've been able to hear the things that matter most-- the teachings of Jesus Christ. As my hearing continues to worsen, I know it will be okay. And even though my relationships with others continue to become more and more limited, I know the most significant relationships are eternal and will withstand my limitations.
I just want to express my gratitude to those who are patient with me, who keep trying, who talk clearer, who endlessly repeat and who love me enough to be kind. I'm grateful for a husband who is willing to do anything and everything it takes to keep me included. I'm grateful to our merciful Heavenly Father who blesses mankind with inspiration to improve the technology that allows me to continue to be somewhat involved. And I'm grateful that the Spirit is something to listen to, not hear.
13 comments:
First of all, I loved this post of yours. You have the best attitude and I'm sure the Lord will bless you for your long-suffering and acceptance. I don't know how you feel, but I can offer my sympathies and want to tell you how you are someone others can truly look up to. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us. Second, sorry that you couldn't track down Memory Makers. The website is memorymakers.com. However, if you want the program I have it and would love to share it! Once you download it you don't have to have the CD to run it on your computer anymore. So it's just sitting at my house going to waste! I've loaned it to friends in the ward to download too. So I really would be more than happy to mail it to you or if you guys are coming up this way to Rexburg soon I could give it to you. I really don't mind and would love to share! Let me know! Let me know if you still can't get onto the website also! Good luck!
Kristel, I'm so scatter-brained! I gave you the wrong site! Sorry! It's memorymixer.com! Hope I haven't confused you too badly!
Kristel, you are such an inspiration to me! You are such a sweet heart and have been through a lot. You have a beautiful family and the kindest, most gentle personality. Just know you touch a lot of people with your smile. I am sorry that I didn't get over to talk to you more, but I hope we can stay in touch, even if it is through messages :) Our new address is 1430 E. 1850 N. Provo, UT 84606. I would love to come to your jewelry party. We may try and have some kind of Halloween party and would love for you to come. I will let you know.
Kellie
I love this post! You are a great writer....keep sharing your feelings.
We've talked about this indepth before, but to make things a little lighter this post reminds me of the first time I met/heard about you and found out about your hearing loss and the first thing I thought of and said to your missionary companion was: "I bet she's looking forward to the resurrection!" That will truly be a sweet freakin' day because I'm going to be by your side when you experience Celestial hearing of everything I take for granted like birds singing, wind, our baby breathing, and especially singing and the choir of angels! Looking forward to that.
Kristel, I need to talk you so I'll be doing whatever it takes including learning sign language!!
If we ONLY KNEW just how 'temporary' our bodies were and exactly what the future (eternity) holds I think we would 'let go' a little easier! You have a GREAT perspective on what's going on in life - I think you'll do a marvelous job at whatever lays ahead - and the great example you're setting for others - me included as this may be in my future as well!?! I think, if I were you, I would get busy learning to read lips and move forward with your adorable family. Actually, it may come in real handy especially when Evan says, 'do this and this and this' . . . ! ! ! ! All you have to do is say, "Ha?"!!!!!!!!!!!
Kristel, I watched a woman last night on TV that was a victim (when she was born) of being aborted by her mother - yet she survived! She now has MS due to lack of oxygen. Yet everytime she mentioned her disease she would always say, "My gift of MS" - such an amazing attitude and she now works to prevent abortions - she was a true inspiration! You too will help to inspire those around you in ways you'll really never understand. Thanks for your post - boogie-on-sweetie!
Love, Evan's 'second' Mom!
I loved this post Kristel. You have such a good attitude and are such a good example. Hugs! :)
To quote Olivia Newton John from a song - which you have never listened to intentionally, but some day remember I get a day after the resurection to sit with you in a room and listen to every cool song I know so you can see why they rock, instead of hearing noise!
Anyway, to quote Olivia, "I love you, I honestly love you!"
I just recently posted a message on my blog about my family and the joy it gives me to be involved in their lives even if it is just through the internet. I would have to amend that post to include friends like you. Thank you for being so good and for truly living the gospel. In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how I will be blessed with good friends. I am not great at being friends, but I appreciate more each day the wonderful people who still include me in their life even if it can only be in a limited way (this includes you sister P!) So thank you for allowing all of us to experience friendship with someone like you!
Thanks Sisters.
This was so good for me...thank you for being honest, open, frank, etc. I knew about your hearing loss but not that it was continual. I'm all about e-mail...as I don't get out much. And you can say, "what?" to me a million and one times, but please do as I need a reminder that I talk tooooo fast :-)
My love and admiration for you grows and grows...and won't the resurrection be a glorious time! I'm waiting...
I remember you telling me about your greatest fear about your hearing loss, back when we were single roommies. You told me it was the fear that no one would marry you (which is ridiculous because any guy would be lucky to have you). And it turns out, from what I have "met" of Evan online, that you have an amazing husband. I have always loved and admired you, and I am glad that we at least have the internet to stay connected. If you ever want to call and "chat" we should chat online!
Post a Comment