THE ultrasound

It's been well over a month since I wrote anything for the blog. I thought I would give my version of our ultrasound. The night before, we were both so excited we couldn't sleep. It felt like we were kids trying to sleep on Christmas Eve! I never get out of bed quickly, NEVER, but the morning of the 6th I jumped out of bed to get ready.

We arrived, nervous and excited, and amazingly didn't have to wait for 45 minutes in the lobby like we usually do. Just took a few minutes after check in for the tech to come get us. She was very unfriendly, no smile, no introduction, no personality. It slightly diffused our excitement but not enough to damper the amazing experience of watching our baby on screen. The gel she used had been in her car overnight (remember, it's winter and cold at night) and whoa, was that stuff cold! She turned off the lights and started pointing things out on screen in a very low voice. I told her multiple times that I had a hearing loss and needed her to speak louder to no avail. Because she typed a few body parts on screen I was able to follow her a little bit. To be honest, the picture has been clearer when my doc has given me one!

Throughout the process I wanted to be reassured that everything was okay with the baby and with me. So though the tech had no personality she gave me good news-- everything was normal. She also told us we are having a girl, again with no emphasis, emotional response or personality. Evan asked her if she was sure three times. Three times she pointed out to him that it was a girl. She then handed us a dvd, pics and opened the door for us to leave. I believe, possibly, that she uttered a small congrats as we were walking out.

To be perfectly honest, I felt disappointed. It just wasn't the experience I had built up in my mind. But we as human beings do that a lot. We fantasize about how something is going to be and build up our expectations so high that almost always the real event can in no way compete with our picture of how it should be.

When I got home, I popped in the DVD and again watched my little girl's heart beating and listened as it beat. And I watched as slowly her face, body, hands and feet all came on screen and just looked perfectly formed and functioning. This was my moment. The moment that I had lost sleep over the night before--having my mind and heart confirm that this child is mine and knowing that everything was as it should be surpassed my expectations. This was the moment that filled my heart with joy and I knew I would never be the same.